TROUBLE CITY

Convention Attendees That Need to Jump Off a Bridge

Articles, Real Life, Pop CultureNick PeronComment

It's the start of another convention season and it's around this time that I reflect on what really gets on my nerves at comic conventions. Large crowds, people from very many backgrounds, people of all ages and demographic you can think of. Navigating through these things is a challenge enough as it is without the following list of asshats that need to fuck right off.

I have worked conventions for about a decade so trust me, I know what I'm talking about.

Cuckbois

Photo by Nastco/iStock / Getty Images

Photo by Nastco/iStock / Getty Images

This is a brilliant term that was coined by Alana Hope Levinson, deputy editor of Mel Magazine. What is a Cuckboi? Basically, a guy who outwardly appears to support gender issues, political positions, and anything in support of women. Not because they actually believe in it. It's all just a means to try and score a woman. It's not genuine. Comic book conventions are rife with these disgusting little trolls. These wolves in sheep's clothing have grown up consuming entertainment where the hero always gets the girl. The end result, these pathetic wastes tend to take up whatever subjects that the women they gravitate around are into.

Daily Beast columnist Arthur Chu adequately describes what sort of mentality these numbnuts have. They'll share your posts on feminism, regurgitate whatever buzz words they have picked up, even carry a "Cosplay is not Consent" sign. However, they're not doing this because they believe in these things. Not really. They choose to "believe" in these issues not for any sense of altruism, but to try and hook up with the woman they believe they deserve because they are such a nice guy. Take it from someone who used to be one of these idiots, you're following these issues because you think that it's going to make you look interesting to the woman you want. The moment you get spurred you turn into a royal asshole and cuss them out. How dare they reject you! If you're promoting a cause that you should be promoting anyway because you are supposedly a decent human being just because you're into a woman you're part of the problem, not the solution.

Ladies, you can spot these leeches by their inability to have opinions of their own, hanging off your every word, and constant posts about how they are a feminist and/or a good person. If you're either of those things you shouldn't have to advertise it every day, you phony.

If your retort is that this is how women want you to act, you miss the fucking point you stooge. They want you to act like yourself and for you to stop treating them like a prize. 

Cosplayers who are "ON" all the time

One of these cosplayers is not annoying as fuck. You get three guesses.

One of these cosplayers is not annoying as fuck. You get three guesses.

Cosplayers are fine and dandy in principle. Most of them are only out for a good time. Then there are those who dress up and act like the character they have dressed up as. Which is okay in small doeses. The problem is that these people are "on" all the time. Meaning, as long as there are people watching they are acting like that character. It might be cute at first, but after spending an entire day in proximity to these idiots you want to strangle them. That's because they tend to choose the loudest, most obnoxious, irritating character possible. They never pick the strong silent character. No, it's because they want to be noticed. It's not enough to dress up like the character it's got to be theatrics. 

Here's the thing: They aren't unique, they are not cool, or witty. All you're doing is presenting yourself as a poor imitation of a character that nobody would like in real life. 

The worst offenders are:

Deadpool

Repeat after me: YOU ARE NOT DEADPOOL.

Ever since the Deadpool movie came out a few years back, droves of fanboys have decided to buy a Deadpool costume in order to act like a total dick at conventions. These idiots will come up to you and ask you about chimichangas, or moonwalk, or otherwise get in your face. They're annoying. They're not funny. You're also derivative and trite. It's one thing to regurgitate dialogue from the comic books and movies, but these shitheels cannot even get that right.

You can always tell how much a Deadpool cosplayer is going to piss you off by three factors:

  • How cheap the costume is
  • Their relative age
  • How many of their stupid friends are hovering around them at any given moment (especially if they are dressed up like Deadpool)
Pictured: All the justification I need to go commit mass murder.

Pictured: All the justification I need to go commit mass murder.

Montreal Ace Ventura

Montreal Ace Ventura2.jpg

Yeah, I'm singling out one specific guy in this case. This is a guy who goes to conventions dressed up like Ace Ventura, Pet Detective. He lives in Montreal and goes to many conventions, sometimes even as a "guest". He is by far the most annoying Cosplayer I have ever had the displeasure of meeting. He spends the convention tromping around like a goon, doing his half-assed Jim Carrey impersonation about the place. He goes overboard, especially when he is wearing the ballet tutu and carrying a football. He will intentionally run through people who are standing close together. I've seen him do this to women too many times for it to not be anything but intentional. I think that's kind of a creepy move.

Not only is he obnoxious as hell, I also take a lot of issue with the character he chooses to portray. I wouldn't exactly be proud of looking like and imitating one of the most transphobic characters in modern cinema. 

In case you have been living in a cave for the past 2 decades and have no idea what I'm talking about, I'm talking about this scene:

The sooner this guy puts away his Hawaiian t-shirts and stops acting like a fucking goof the better everyone will be.

Shutterbugs

 

In past articles I have touched on this subject. I'm bringing these people again becausw they get on my nerves so much that I feel it needs mentioning again.

One of the most annoying things at a convention is an idiot with a camera. I don't care if you're a professional or some doofus with an iPhone, you people are the most irritating bunch of them all. The main reason is because you have to stop in the middle of major through ways to snap a photo of someone in a costume. 

I'm sure all your friends are going to think that photo of the random guy in a store-bought Spider-Man costume looks as you think it is. Also, who are you showing these pictures to anyway? If I wanted to see someone wearing a costume, I can use Google. 

"Hey mister I'm only Fourtee--"  "SHHHHH! I'm photographing!"

"Hey mister I'm only Fourtee--"

"SHHHHH! I'm photographing!"

Then there are the creeps and perverts. The people who snap photos without asking permission. There is a glut of crusty socks at the end of a comic book convention thanks to these freaks. These guys are probably the lowest scum when it comes to these sorts of people. Especially since a lot of cosplayers are teenagers. You ever notice the creepy photographers only come in two varieties? There's the classic pink and oily guy with questionable hygiene. The other is the spindly "professional photographer" whose credentials are a business card and not a whole lot else. If you and the Cuckbois could just stay home and jerk it to Hentia I'd be all the happier.

But just in case you're clueless here's a flowchart you can print out and follow:

The Brooding Tough Guy

How can I describe these people? You remember that South Park episode where Satan is throwing a Sweet 16 Halloween birthday party? Here's a quote:

Every costume party there’s like fourteen guys come dressed like the Crow ‘cause they wanna look hot and hook up. It’s lame!
— Satan

That's these guys. They come to a convention dressed up like whatever anti-hero du jour is popular at that moment. The Crow. Heath Ledger's Joker, Wolverine (in street clothes) or the Punisher.  They dress up like these characters to look tough, or to seem mysterious or think they are edgy. They aren't. They're douche bags. They live dead end lives with little to no excitement so they have to get by dressing up in pleather outfits and running around conventions with toy guns. They buy samurai swords or learn martial arts because they want people to think that they are tough and cool. The extreme cases usually couldn't get into the police force so they work some menial security or guard job. 

They were nobodies in high school and now overcompensate, completely oblivious that anyone who used to care is now a used car salesman with a litter of unwanted children instead of playing pro-football. They'll puff themselves up, constantly talk about how cool they are because they can identify tactical gear, or know how to use guns, or can drop someone with a nerve pinch because they take Hip-Hop Kido or whatever. They think that the appearance of being intimidating will make people envy, want, or at the very least fear them.

These guys, surprise surprise, also a spin-off of the spineless cuckboi. They're the most likely to develop an unhealthy obsession with a woman and stalk them or threaten people with violence. There's a reason why James Holmes dressed up like the Joker in Aurora instead of Sponge Bob Square Pants. It's why Matthew Sterling chose to think of himself as the Punisher instead of Rainbow Bright. Some of these guys are one jilted lover or mental illness away from lashing out at someone. 

We need to stop feeding the egos of these douchebags and point them out for the temperamental wannabes that they are.

The Entitled

All of the above fit into this category because if you haven't noticed they're all garbage people. However, the entitled is anyone at a convention who expects anything from it. 

Doesn't matter if it's face time with a celebrity, getting free shit, or the girl you've been white knighting all weekend long. If you go into a convention with a list of wants and expectations you might as well stay home because you're going to be disappointed.

I don't know if you got the memo, but the world owes you nothing and that goes double at a convention. 

Hate to break it to you, buttercup, but conventions are like strip clubs. They put all your wants and desires on a stage to titillate you. Sooner or later what you want is either too expensive or out of reach and if you touch anyone the bouncer throws you out.