In the last edition of PSA's From Hell, I talked about the poorly executed comic titled Captain America vs Drugs. In that story, Captain America steers an up-and-coming baseball star away from doing drugs given to him by aliens from outer space. It was made in conjunction with the FBI, and it was horrible. For some reason, they decided to do a follow-up issue, and I'm here to tell you that it was somehow even worse.
Right off the top, this story guest stars the New Warriors, because apparently, Captain America isn't enough to support your anti-drug comic book. I can sort of understand the logic behind it, at the time the New Warriors were teenagers, so to have kids just like me fighting drugs is a good motivator I suppose? It's awkward to say the least, but this comic book was produced in the 90s and making terrible comic books was the law back then.
Meet the Drug Lords!
In the previous installment, aliens try to convince impressionable youths to do drugs. In this edition, the aliens kick things up a notch. They take drug addicts and give them super powers. I don't know about you, but this seems like an incredibly bad idea. Drug addicts aren't exactly the most reliable people in the best of circumstances. Naturally, these supervillains were called the Drug Lords. They sound like gimmicky characters from Masters of the Universe than deadly supervillains. Let's meet the Drug Lords, shall we?
Weed
Probably the most laughable of the group, Weed is a pot head who wears a leafy vest, has long hair like a hippie, and can create plumes of what I can only assume is pot smoke. Apparently, his pot smoking habit was so debilitating that it made him an easy target for aliens to turn into a drug-fueled weapon. I am incredibly impressed with Weed because he had the dedication to make marijuana somehow ruin his life. You don't tend to see that level of motivation from pot smokers.
Crack
"Whoa their Night Thrasher, you're not part of the Long Island police!"
Crack is a crack addict who has superhuman strength and talks in the third person in the usual comic book fashion that signifies he's not entirely smart. For someone who is hooked on crack, he's actually looking pretty good. He certainly isn't selling the case against crack if he's physically perfect with none of the physical detriments.
Ice
You can tell this guy was named by someone who knows about drugs and knows they do things because they read it in a book and watched crime shows. He appears to have the power to fire clouds of cocaine at his enemies. Possibly the most expensive supervillain ever created.
Ms. Fix
Last but not least, Ms. Fix, the most uninspired of the group. It was like someone thought that the best way to represent heroin was to make her a lame Wolverine imitation. Again, she's looking pretty good for someone who is a heroin addict. I've seen a few in my life and there's one thing they never look: healthy.
The Dope
What are they high on here? Endorphins?
In this story, Captain America ends up teaming up with the New Warriors to bust up one of the Drug Lords operations. Cap takes control of the situation because the Warriors are handling people a little rough. Although they stop the Drug Lords, the villains are teleported away by their alien overlords. Captain America thanks the New Warriors for their help, but tells them that if they learn anything more to call the Avengers, you know let real superheroes handle the problem.
Meanwhile, the aliens scold their Drug Lords for failing to stop Captain America and the New Warriors. It's then that we learn that the Drug Lords are kept in line because of drugs! Of course, it's drugs. After they get their much-needed drugs, they are then sent on their next mission.
Ms .Fix sets her sights on getting ballet dancer named Doreen hooked on drugs. This is a pretty risky mark considering she dances at the school where Silhouette of the New Warriors works in her civilian guise. When Sil discovers this, she is confronted by Ms. Fix and the two begin to battle.
Silhouette manages to send out a distress call to the New Warriors who also send word to Captain America. Cap arrives first, and during the fight, Cap, Sil, Doreen, and Ms. Fix are all teleported aboard the alien ship. Naturally, the Drug Lords try to kill Captain America, but the Star-Spangled Avenger manages to get their master to confess that he is just using them to enslave the planet Earth. Ignoring all the offers for help, the Drug Lords then turn on their masters. Cap, Sil, and Doreen teleport back to Earth just as the alien ship explodes. The End.
Why This PSA Doesn't Work
As I mentioned above, the Drug Lords all have silly names. They are written by someone who knows a lot about street slang, that drugs are bad, but probably has never done drugs in their lives. Second of all, if you're trying to teach kids the dangers of drugs, maybe don't present your villains as benefitting from using drugs. I mean, it seems to me like this comic is teaching me that if I do drugs, aliens will give me superpowers. Instead of having all these fit, healthy looking bad guys, they should have just put for real drug addicts in stupid costumes. I think that would have been a better way to sell kids on the dangers of drugs. If you don't believe me, do a Google image search for meth heads. I'd Photoshop something, but I'm not that horrible a human being. Instead, enjoy this picture of a raccoon instead:
I HAVE RABIES!
Last time I mentioned the small scale thinking the aliens had to conquer the world. Getting kids hooked on drugs is just going to take so long. I also have to point out (again) that choosing drug addicts to be your agents is a horrible idea as well. Having drug addicts push your product is like having dogs work in a butcher shop. They're going to keep on ingesting the product until the authorities shut you down.
Who taught her to do drugs, Popeye the Sailor?
This PSA just fails at teaching kids anything really. It's just a superhero battle where the villains just happen to be drug fueled. That's hardly original. The story kind of ends on a kind of heartless note with Captain America and the Warriors watching the Drug Lords getting blown up along with their masters. Captain America says "Whatever crimes they committed they paid the ultimate price..." That's some harsh shit to say. You know who used to say lines like that? Batman, in the 1930s, just before he'd knock a crook into a vat of acid, or watching them burn alive. That's not exactly something you should hear from Captain America, the patriotic squeaky clean boy scout.
At least this time, the FBI doesn't come waltzing in to take credit for the job of the superheroes. I mean this entire story ends with Waco-level implications, it totally sounds like something they'd want to get involved with, right?
Well, that's it for this time around. Check back in with us next time when we take a look at the time Superman and Batman tried to solve the world food crisis! Pack a lunch.