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Fuck this Face.
Fuck this Face Harder.
Fuck Face with a Vengeance.

What follows is my annotated version of an interview Stephanie Meyer did with Entertainment Weekly a while back. I hate reprinting other folks' content, but this is special. The link to the actual article is HERE and I'd love it if you gave them the patronage for their "work" in bringing my hate into pinpoint focus.

My text is in gray.

Your success is huge, and it's come really fast. How do you explain it?

STEPHENIEMEYER: I didn't realize the books would appeal to people so broadly. I think some of it's because Bella is an everygirl. She's not a hero, and she doesn't know the difference between Prada and whatever else is out there. She doesn't always have to be cool, or wear the coolest clothes ever. She's normal. And there aren't a lot of girls in literature that are normal. Another thing is that Bella's a good girl, which is just sort of how I imagine teenagers, because that's how my teenage years were.

Can you imagine the teenage years of Stephanie Meyer? A Mormon who reads Jane Austen books, one filled with the kind of sadgirl thoughts that would eventually allow a Twilight to seep out a rotten headhole into the faces of potentially great young women and subsequently their titted elders?

Was that because of your religion?

Oh yeah. I grew up in a community where it was not the exception to be a good girl. It was sort of expected. And all of my friends were good girls too, and my boyfriends were good boys. Everybody was pretty nice. And that affects how I write my characters. There aren't very many bad guys in my novels. Even the bad guys usually have a pretty good reason for the way they are, and some of them come around in the end. I don't see the world as full of negatives.

Until you showed up.

If you pitched the first book to publishers as a ''suspense romance horror comedy,'' which of those do you think your books are most?

I think that it's romance more than anything else, but it's just not that romance-y. It's hard to nail down, but romance tends to be my favorite part of any book or movie, because that's really the strongest emotion. Orson Scott Card is my favorite: The romances are a small part of his books, but they bring his people to life.

Hmmmm, Card's a Mormon too. Is this Scientology-lite happening to me?

He's your favorite writer?

He's sort of my favorite writer who's alive. My favorite-favorite is probably Jane Austen.

You mean Gene Wilder in drag? Jane Austen is fine, but if you write vampire novels, you need to know the breadth and depth of the genre you're contributing to... actually dominating with a Latter-Day FIST.You've done some research... right?

Have you read Bram Stoker's Dracula?

No, but it's on the list. I should've read that one a long time ago, but right now I can't read any vampire novels. I tried, after I wrote Twilight, to read The Historian, because it was the big thing that summer. But I can't read other people's vampires. If it's too close [to my writing], I get upset; if it's too far away, I get upset. It just makes me very neurotic.

It's on the list? IT'S ON THE FUCKING LIST? You can't read other people's vampires? OK, you are a fucking moron. No I didn't misspell Mormon. I am of the belief that reading the cornerstone vampire novel is required in order to be allowed to write anything having to do with vampires. Let me remind you, vampires are tired as fuck and if I had my druthers there would be a ten year moratorium on anything zombie or vampire related in all media but IF YOU ARE GOING TO RUIN MY DAY WITH A VAMPIRE NOVEL... at least read two of the four vital vampire novels [stuff like Dracula, Interview with the Vampire, Salem's Lot, Bunnicula, and Irreversible: The Pop-Up Book]. That Stephanie Meyer hasn't read Bram Stoker's book is more offensive than her thinly-veiled Mormon propaganda machine coursing through her pages, blood, and infected fan base. Doesn't read other people's vampires... as if her shit is some pure work that can't be tainted by things like originality, talent, and the actual hard work that made her franchise possible.

Is it true you've never seen a vampire movie?

I've seen little pieces of Interview with a Vampire when it was on TV, but I kind of always go YUCK! I don't watch R-rated movies, so that really cuts down on a lot of the horror. And I think I've seen a couple of pieces of The Lost Boys, which my husband liked, and he wanted me to watch it once, but I was like, It's creepy!

Folks, are you reading this? Am I awake? This is is seeping from the blowjob hating face of the person whose work has become big business and an inspiration for the next wave of ill-informed published fanfic authors of the world? She hasn't read Dracula and she finds vampire movies icky. She's rich and breeding. And she's reaching out to our children and fat female adults with tendrils of ignorance and disrespect!

But you're a big fan of alternative music, right?

I'm addicted to satellite radio. We just got a new car and we haven't had the satellite radio put in yet, and it's driving me insane.

Just when I thought my hate has fully blossomed.

ENTERTAINMENT WEEKLY: What do you listen to when you're writing?

STEPHENIE MEYER: [For a while], it was almost exclusively Linkin Park. Linkin Park is fantastic for action scenes, because it just has that beat that drives the momentum of the writing. [Writing] New Moon, I listened to a lot more Muse all the time. Muse is my favorite band, and they're really good for writing because they've got an angsty kind of emotion. The new book [Eclipse] was perky; I listened to OK Go and Gomez.

I just got Cancer of the Mind.

You're so prolific, yet you're raising three kids too. What's your day to day like?

It's kind of weird. Everything's been shifting. The boys are getting older now, and they're a lot more self sufficient, and they don't always want to hang out with mom. So that frees up some writing time, and for the first time this fall, I'll have all three of my kids in all-day school. So that's just going to be an amazing amount of time, I can barely compute it.

You should take up a hobby. Maybe you should re-enact Survivor Type.

Given how fast you write, they better get the presses ready.

[Laughs] Sometimes it also makes me nervous. [My fans] count on me to be a fast writer, with a once-a-year release schedule, which, you know, isn't entirely fair. I mean, how long did they give J.K. Rowling? [Laughs] She gets a good couple of years between her books, and [Eragon author] Christopher Paolini gets two or three, too. But I know fans want [the new books], and you wanna give them what they want.

First of all, you aren't J.K. Rowling. You're not even Christopher Paolini, which is fucking scary. That's like saying you aren't a little kid in a coma with a pen in his little hand. Your fans want you to write fast, Stephanie, because soon they'll be old enough to read and therefore not your target audience.

Your next book, set for next spring, is The Host, which you've described as possibly the first love triangle that involves only two bodies. It's also being billed as your first adult book.

It is, but it's not really any different. I didn't write Twilight thinking, ''Oh, I will appeal to 16 year olds with this.'' I don't believe that you need to write down to teenagers. When I was a teenager, all I read was adult novels. My favorite books back then were Pride and Prejudice and Gone with the Wind, and I was reading big books from the time when I was little, and I don't think you can sell the kids short and say, ''Well, we're going to have to dumb it down for them.'' They really don't need that.

Guess what? You dumbed it down.

We've got some questions from a 12-year-old superfan of yours named Lily. First thing she asks is, ''If Twilight was your first book, what'd you do before that?''

Before that I was a mom. I did scrapbooking! I never finished any of that, though. And I read. I just read all the time. In fact, my husband my used to tease me. I went through six years of always having a little baby in my arms, and so my other hand was pretty much shaped in the form of a book to hold it open. I probably read five or six novels a week.

None of them Dracula, apparently.

Next Lily asks, ''Are you writing anymore, because if you aren't I am very mad!''

I am. I have a file of novel ideas just waiting for me. Right now I'm working on book four in the Twilight series, and after that I may work on a sequel to The Host. But then I also have this other novel that's probably a [young adult] story about mermaids, which was always a favorite thing of mine growing up. And I've got mysteries and adventures and all kinds of things in my files. Someday, hopefully, I'll get to write them all.

Cool, because we need fucking mermaid books. Please ignore Mary Shelley's seminal Bitchfin when you do. A goddamn mermaid book.

Lily wonders, ''Did you, like, put a drug in your books that makes them addictive and impossible to put down, or is that just called really good writing?''

[Laughs] I don't know. That's one of the things that's always surprised me, when people say, ''I couldn't put your books down,'' or ''I finished one and picked it up again immediately and reread it.'' That's the hugest compliment in the world. It's exciting that people feel that way.

Lily is 12 years old. I hope her pussy dies.

It's nice of you to answer a few questions from a 12-year-old fan.

Oh no, you know what? I've developed this humongous love for 12-year-old girls! They have the best questions, and they're so into the stories. You really can't write for a better audience. I say to all other authors: If you're not writing for teenage girls, you're missing out on a lot of love.

And little tit nubbins! Don't forget the tit nubbins!

Moving on...

Man, Stephanie Meyer sucks.

Here's the thing, I haven't read the books though I'm thinking about reading and reviewing the first one [depends on where my self loathing is that day]. I understand that not everyone NEEDS the best work in a particular genre and that the audience of Twilight isn't the kind of people who'd read Stoker [I mean, it's a daunting and somewhat unrewarding read] but still...

This is featherweight shit. No more deserving than the dozens of teen lit books populating shelves already. That it comes from someone with the limited toolbox Meyer has is the affront. An überchurchie with no respect for her genre playing piped bullshit while her flock follows blindly.

Twilight is dangerous shit.

Less is Mormon, folks. Less is Mormon.

- Nick Nunziata accepts all hate mail right here.