TROUBLE CITY

November’s Most Unfortunate Movie Posters.

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This is something I've done a few times already on my personal site, and I thought you, my CHUD friends, might enjoy seeing it too.  Pretty simple, really: It's basically me just rounding up the month's most raggable movie posters and then ragging on them.  It's all in fun, except for the few places where it's gravely serious.  You'll see what I mean.

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Chris Evans... Mark Ruffalo... Robert Downey Jr... And Chelsea Handler in...

"AAAA!"

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"AAAAAAAA!"

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Tom Berenger?

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If you pay as much attention to details as I do, sometimes the movie is ruined for you right from the moment you see the poster. Dig it: It's about "a family of whales trapped beneath the ice," right? Now take another look at that poster. What's happening on it? Looks like a bunch of whales are escaping though an icehole. In other words: THE POSTER IS SHOWING THE END OF THE MOVIE.

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"Not dying doesn't mean you're alive."  When taglines go into double-negatives, you know shit just got REAL!

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I'm sure it's totally the point, but it still seems like a shame that they used the title "Carnage" for a "comedy of manners," rather than a post-apocalyptic car-warrior horror movie.  Maybe if that spooky John C. Reilly reflection in the mirror hopped out and started kicking some ass, that could liven up that Oscar-conscious dinner party they got going there.

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This doesn't look like an actual movie.  This looks like one of those movies that used to run on HBO, that had actual stars in them but still no one could ever tell whether they were from 1988 or 1998 or 2008.  Look at Forest Whitaker's face.  He's as bewildered as I am.

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No joke here, I actually just wanted to have a picture of a chimpanzee on my website.  I'm totally gonna see this movie in the theaters.

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Well, I guess if you're going to be locked inside a coffin with any actor, you'd want it to be Kevin Sorbo.

(I'm just being nice to Kevin Sorbo for no particular reason. Obviously if you were stuck in a coffin, the only actor who'd do would be Sofia Vergara. For the cushioning.)

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Not too shabby, I just find it a tad ironic that the posters for a movie called "The Darkest Hour" are all so brightly lit.

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At this point, the only "Good Deeds" I want to see from Tyler Perry are his retirement from writing, his retirement from directing, and his gifting to me of Gabrielle Union's attention so I or anyone else can write her into a movie worth watching.  But hey, look, Jamie Kennedy is in this movie.  Maybe Tyler Perry can get a subtle, nuanced performance out of him, Tyler Perry movies being well known for their subtlety and nuance.

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Boy, this movie looks like so much FUN.

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There are a lot of things ABOUT to happen on this poster.  I wonder if all those awful acts of cruelty are as synchronized in the actual movie.  That'd take some real orchestration.

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This poster says to me, "I played the love object in three superhero movies in a row.  Tired of always being the one to be saved, I jumped into a power plant and became... Electro-Dunst."  Or okay, fine, Melancholia.  That's a decent superhero-lady name, if they won't let us use Electro-Dunst.

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Yup, you read that right.  That name seemed vaguely familiar to me too, so I looked it up, and discovered the truth:  Somebody made a 'legitimate' horror movie starring the Octo-Mom.  Scary for plenty of wrong reasons.

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When I first saw this poster, it instantly reminded me of another poster I'd seen all over the place for a long, long time, starring another adorable, pint-sized teen idol.  That's right, it's Tom Cruise in...

Never Say Never!

What's really unfortunate is that they could lose the whole butch hooded-sweatshirt Tom Cruise motif and just use the following poster and I'd be much more likely to get there opening weekend...

Precious Paula Patton!

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This photograph captures the brief moment where the young lovers united for one beautiful kiss, right before they were crushed by the pillar of names falling from the sky right on top of their heads, captured by one lucky cameraman directly before the moment of impact.

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Ed Burns is still making movies.

Moving on.

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And now it's time for Point/Counterpoint.

Badass Woody Harrelson...

...And THIS version of Woody Harrelson.

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I know you're doing the Top Gun hero walk and all, but uou guys might wanna walk a little faster, considering that THERE'S A GIANT FLAMING PLANE HEADED STRAIGHT TOWARDS Y'ALL.

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When movie taglines promote shoddy arithmetic. (And spooning pregnant women on movie posters.)

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A lot of mad strange stuff going on around people's mouths this month.

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I wish I was industrious enough to search out how many times the tagline "Some secrets should never be uncovered" has been used on a movie poster.  I bet I wouldn't have to look too far.  It's a fairly generic notion.

However, I am pretty excited to see that Johanna Bradd scored the much-coveted role of Amanda.  It looked for sure like the role was going to go to a much more famous actress, like Fran Wellington, Eartha Carruthers, or Patty Putanesca. Anyone who is anyone in Hollywood wanted a role in The Levenger Tapes, so good on you Johanna!

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I refuse.

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Tim Story directed both Fantastic Four movies, so this is the natural next step.  I am a little suspicious on a movie based on a book by Steve Harvey that can't even find a role for Steve Harvey himself.  Seems like someone somewhere lacks conviction.

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Trust me, it's better that they're covering that up.

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Must...not...make...Godzilla...joke...

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Personally, at the moment I'd see this movie for Nicolas Cage's expression alone, but I'm particularly endeared to the hooded gunman cropped into the upper right corner, like a nerdy kid being ushered onto the field for soccer practice by his inattentive parents. He looks as unhappy to be there as Cage is unhappy to see him.

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If there's a cat that turns into a werewolf, I'm diggety-down.

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Did you like The Notebook?  Yeah, you did.  How would you like The Notebook if we remade it, only using a less talented actor than Ryan Gosling?  It's a novel way to jerk some tears, but it works.

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We bought a zoo, but we could use an extra pair of kids to help us run it...

...And there they are!

Another pair of great things about this poster is the way that nobody seems concerned about the pair of man-eaters on Matt Damon's right-hand side, and also the fact that the Dwight Schrute kid is apparently levitating in mid-air.

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I like how these two guys are just all cool and cavalier, off-handedly pointing guns at Reese Witherspoon, America's sweetheart, and everyone finds this perfectly charming and somehow I'M considered to be the strange one.

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If you're going to sell an American movie overseas, apparently it's best to make the posters as Asian as humanly possible.  Observe:

HELLO KITTY!

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This looks like THE worst possible remake of a beloved 1980s film starring Matthew Broderick and chimpanzees.  Now maybe it makes more sense that I posted that Disney poster at the top of the page.  Trying to keep those associations positive.

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Probably best for all concerned, at this point.

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If you enjoyed this feature, let me know.  I'll do more.  If you really loved it, here are the other months I've done already.  (If you hated it, that's a cryin' shame.)

April’s Most Unfortunate Movie Posters.

June’s Most Unfortunate Movie Posters.

July’s Most Unfortunate Movie Posters.

August’s Most Unfortunate Movie Posters.

September’s Most Unfortunate Movie Posters.

October's Most Unfortunate Movie Posters.

That's it for November.  Happy holidays!

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