Every Halloween I like to sit down and binge watch episodes of Tales From the Crypt to drown out the sound of the knocking trick or treaters trying to fleece me of free candy. With seven seasons and over 90 episodes, how do you pick the diamonds out of the rough? Tales From the Crypt was a stellar series with more hits than misses. I suppose you could binge watch them all if you have 46 hours to spare, but not all of us have that much free time. So here are, in my opinion, the four best episodes of every season of the series:
Season 1
4. And All Through the House
Nothing is more depressing than thinking how soon Christmas is coming around the corner following Halloween. The cold, the snow, the chaos of shopping, dealing with idiots who think there's a "war" on Christmas. Yes, Christmas is depressing. What it needs is a good ax murdering. Which is what you're getting with the episode And All Through the House. A wife murders her husband on Christmas Eve and hopes to pin it on an escaped lunatic who is dressed like Santa. Like all the best-laid plans, things don't turn out so well when the woman is actually stalked by the killer.
3. Only Sin Deep
Is the story of a prostitute with loftier goals, namely Pretty Womaning herself into the life of a wealthy man who lives in a condo on her stretch of street. When she learns that she can pawn off her beauty for a ton of money, she does so willingly and uses the money to woo her suitor. Naturally, she discovers that after she misses the due date for paying the money back, she rapidly becomes old and haggard. I particularly like this one because Leah Thompson (who I have a soft spot for) doesn't really pull off the tough-as-nails prostitute she is supposed to be. That sort of roughness takes time and practice... and probably meth.
2. Collection Complete
Is the heartwarming tale of a curmudgeonly old man who has a hard time adapting to retirement. This is mostly because his wife is a pet hoarder. The longer he stays at home, the more he finds out the crazy lengths the misses will go to make her pet friends happy. Without spoiling the ending, our protagonist takes up making models, and man's best friend becomes battery powered.
1. Dig That Cat... He's Real Gone
Episodes about carnivals, sideshows, and the like are usually huge winners when it comes to Tales From the Crypt. This episode is a perfect example of that. It follows a homeless bum turned sideshow attraction after some experimental surgery with cat glands give him 9 lives, just like a real cat! It's your classic "toying in gods domain" harkening from a period where glands were all the rage for the mad scientist set. This one is the best of the entire season.
Season 2
4. Four Sided Triangle
Patricia Arquette plays a enslaved farm hand that ends up falling in love with a scarecrow. Her captors/employers think she's crazy, but they learn otherwise. It also stars Susan Blommaert, the actor that looks like she is always one foot in the grave. You might remember her as the rollicking stomach cancer lady from Pet Semetary . Arquette plays off crazy pretty well, and somehow makes the task of gathering eggs in a chicken coup erotic.
3. For Cryin' Out Loud
A greedy rock promoter, played by Lee Arenberg, tries to rip off a charity rock concert (featuring Iggy Pop!). However, the whole time his conscience begins loudly chastising him for being a creep. That voice, by the way, was the late great comedian Sam Kinison. I don't know if I should be jealous or remorse for our character. Also, Katey Segal in her relative prime is playing a rock 'n' roll maven come banker.
2. The Ventriloquist's Dummy
Last but not least, my favorite episode is one that features a clash between two comedy greats from two different eras. This is the comedy version of Flash of Two Worlds. In it, Bobcat Goldthwait plays an aspiring ventriloquist act who idolizes a famous act -- played by Red Buttons -- and hopes to be tutored under him. As these things tend to go, Red Button's character just so happens to be a freakish conjoined twin. Hilarity ensues.
1. Cutting Cards
Have you ever wanted to see film icon Lance Hendrickson playing a shitkicking cowboy with a gambling problem? SO DO I! This is one of my favorite episodes. It's a wacky story about two men who are not willing to lose in a bet, no matter what the stakes are. They are willing to risk life and limb (literally) to prove who is the better gambler.
Season 3
4. Abra Cadaver
This episode is the tale of Lou Pulito, a greasy Italian stereotype who can't keep a job. He gets his wife, and brother (the city coroner) to help him commit insurance fraud by faking his death. Thing's don't turn out the way ol' Lou planned though. Also, Michael J. Fox makes a cameo role.
3. Mournin' Mess
A dickbag reporter for a newspaper discovers that a charity that prepares funerals for the homeless is actually a secret cabal of ghouls that subsist on homeless person meat. The reporter uncovers the truth, only to find his just deserts!
2. Split Second
If you ever watched the movie The Horror Show, you'll agree that Brion James played a good lunatic. If that's your thing, then you will love this episode. James plays the role of a jealous husband that runs a logging camp. When he marries the town bicycle and she starts cheating on him, she learns why you should never piss off someone who owns a lot of chainsaws.
1. Undertaking Palor
Have you ever asked yourself "What would the Goonies have been like if it was a found footage film?" Then you need not look any further than this episode of Tales From the Crypt. In fact, it even stars one Goonie. Granted, it is Jonathan Ke Quan, but a Goonie is a Goonie. This episode is about a bunch of kids who want to make a scary movie and use dad's camcorder to document some strange findings at the local morgue.
Season 4
4. Showdown
I am a sucker for westerns, and granted this technically wasn't supposed to be a Tales From the Crypt episode, but here we are. The story follows a gunslinger who meets his match and finds himself trapped for all eternity in a ghost town that has become a modern-day tourist trap.
3. Split Personality
Joe Pesci plays a sleazy guy who tries to romance a pair of twins (played by Citron sisters) who also happen to be wealthy. If you've seen any episode of this show before, you know that greedy people always get their comeuppance. So it's no surprise what happens when the sisters realize the truth and decide that they can't share.
2. The New Arrival
An asshole Doctor Phil type with a radio show tries to deal with the most unruly child ever, live! All I need tell you it's creepy because it also stars Zelda Rubenstein, yeah the paranormal investigator from the Poltergeist series. Also, you get to see Robert Patrick in a role before he looked like someone who stayed in the bathtub too long, playing a jack-off shock jock. These two roles make this episode well worth it.
1. Beauty Rest
Have you ever watched the Hostel movies and said "Man, if only they turned this into a beauty pageant!" then this is the episode for you. Mimi Rogers plays an aging model who kills her roommate (Kathy Ireland) in order to compete in a competition, only to find herself the winner of an involuntary autopsy.
Season 5
4. Well Cooked Hams
Another great old-timey episode. This one about magicians. Billy Zane plays a hack magician who kills off his big competition (played by Martin Sheen) in an attempt to steal his mystifying magic trick. It all goes well until Zane's character learns the hard way why you shouldn't fuck with a real magician.
3. People Who Live in Brass Herses
If you ever wanted a Bill Paxton Brad Dourif buddy picture, this is as close as you're going to get. The pair plays two brothers who decide to rob an ice cream man. Yeah, that sounds silly, but the pair isn't exactly the brightest crooks in the world. Bill Paxton really sells the role of a jerk who likes to eat butter. The climax of this episode will have you seeing double! Pun intended.
2. Creep Course
An aptly named episode considering it stars Anthony Michael Hall and Jeffery Jones. The pair plays jock and history teacher respectively. They try and lure the class virgin to be sacrificed to the undead mummified corpse of an ancient Egyptian ruler.
1. Death Of Some Salesmen
This is the jewel in the crown of the entire Tales From the Crypt series, as it stars Tim Currey playing three different roles in one episode. Ed Bagley Jr. attempts to swindle a farming family on a phony life insurance policy and ends up getting stuck in a shotgun wedding with their disgusting daughter.
Season 6
4. Operation Friendship
A tech-savvy young man has to choose between a romance with his neighbor across the hall or his imaginary friend. Faced with being pushed out, the imaginary friend decides to take over.
3. The Bribe
A local fire inspector faces a challenge when the local strip club owner (is he sleazy? OF COURSE HE IS!) who refuses to bring things up to code. Unfortunately, our hero finds out far, far too late that his daughter was dating said sleazy strip club owner. Wha-whaaaaaaa.
2. Let the Punishment Fit the Crime
Another personal favorite. It stars Katherine O'Hara as a cutthroat big city lawyer who finds herself in small-town court for a minor traffic infraction. However, she quickly learns that as minor the infraction might be, it has dire consequences. It also stars Peter MacNicol, who you've seen everywhere but can't put the name to the face. Hint: He was the voice of X the Eliminator on Harvey Birdman Attorney at Law.
1. You, Murderer
This episode came hot off the heels after the release of Forest Gump . Robert Zemeckis took full advantage of the technology used to "Gump" Tom Hanks into important moments in American history for this episode. You see, this one "stars" Humphrey Bogart. That's right! Given most of the episode is mostly Point of View, it's still a wonderful episode. Also look out for the heartwarming moment where the Cryptkeeper meets Alfred Hitchcock.
Season 7
Admittedly, this is my least favorite season, and I don't like many of the episodes... So um... Here are four for you:
- Fatal Caper - Blah blah blah brothers inheritance. Very British
- Horror in the Night - Jewel thief, hallucinations in a hotel room
- Smoke Wrings - Corporation, revenge, ex-loves, murder. Blee blee blee
- The Third Pig - Cartoon episode about the Three Little Pigs.
The Movies
Yeah, why just stop with episodes, let's watch some movies while we're at it!
3. Bordello of Blood
The second of three Tales From the Crypt films that were spun off from the TV series. This movie is about a brothel of vampires if the title wasn't obvious enough. It's entertaining to watch in that you get to enjoy Dennis Miller before he turned into an overly political dick. Also Corey Feldman is in it. You can't go wrong with Corey Feldman.
2. Demon Knight
The first, and the best of the three movies, Billy Zane is the bad guy in this one. This movie is so amazing. It's got demons, it's got Jesus blood, it's got nipples being burned with 9-volt batteries. There's something for everyone.
1. The Frighteners
This movie almost became a Tales From the Crypt movie, but Robert Zemeckis thought it was so great it needed to stand on it's own. It is by far the best Peter Jackson movie ever made. Period. No hobbits, or rings, or whatever. There are gunslinging ghosts, Michael J. Fox and Jake Busey plays a spectral serial killer. What makes this movie a true gem is that it is one of the rare instances where early cinematic CGI hasn't aged poorly with time. The special effects still stand up today. Such an amazing movie. Well worth the watch.