Dear Mr. Raymond
First, allow me to introduce myself, I am Hersham Rothman and I represent Rothman and Associates. We have been hired by Mr. Harvey Gabor to conduct an internal audit of Misfits Music. We have been providing professional and comprehensive audits so that a corporation can maximize profitability, productivity, and improve relations between employers and employees.
Mr. Gabor has requested a comprehensive review of your business operations as he is concerned about recent cost overruns. We have found a disturbing amount of liability issues which are causing a massive financial strain on this business, and its continued operations. Please review our findings and initiate corrective measures immediately.
The Root of the Problem
Based on our review, Misfits Music represents a single client, the rock group known as the Misfits. A careful examination of their activities and conduct shows that these clients are the root of the problem. Examining their contract, I am appalled to discover that you have signed them on an exclusivity contract that expires in "a million billion years", signed by yourself and Miss Phyllis Gabor (aka Pizzazz). This sort of contract is unprecedented in the music industry. We attempted to have our lawyers examine the contract to determine if it is legally binding, however, Mr. Gabor refused to allow us to explore this avenue due to the fact that Miss Gabor is his daughter. As a result, you are to follow the conditions of the contract as it is signed.
As such, for the preservation of your company, you will need to reign in the Misfits. Their lavish lifestyles, expensive recording sessions, and music videos cannot be sustained due to the incidental expenses that have resulted to their activities outside of regular business operations. Please find the following items that need to be dealt with immediately.
The Feud With Jem and the Holograms
The ongoing feud between the Misfits and Jem and the Holograms is having a negative impact on brand sustainability. It was an obvious and legitimate marketing scheme when both groups were clashing during the Starlight Music Battle of the Bands competition. It was good for generating buzz and interest in the group. However, the personal grudge between the two groups has grown in such a way to affect business operations.
The Misfits are a band marketed to girls ages five and up, and unfortunately, this age demographic cannot conceptualize the relevance of a rivalry between the two groups. Likewise, this age demographic is such a small net that quickly outgrows interests. The Misfits popularity continues to bleed out the longer they aim for this market.
Additionally, the fact that they openly state that their music is "better" by comparison to the Holograms is incredibly specific. Since neither group was able to break the Billboard Top 100 in the 1988 fiscal year, we recommend the group setting their targets on more well-known musicians.
Given the relative age of the Misfits, we recommend they aim toward men ages 18 to 45 and start controversy with bands such as Poison or INXS.
Cease All Criminal Activities
We have also examined the other employees that have been hired by Misfits Records that are engaged in criminal activities, apparently, on behalf of Misfits Music. Here are some of the more troubling discoveries we have found:
First Degree Offenses
Pictured here is Zipper, stealing about $20 dollars worth of property
The man known only as "Zipper" has caused a great deal of financial strain on the organization. He claims that he was hired to scare the Holograms out of the Battle of the Bands. To this end, he committed arson at Starlight Home, and set bombs in Starlight Mansion. I shouldn't have to say this, but burning down a house filled with children, especially wards of the state, is incredibly criminal.
In addition to this, we have noted that Zipper has an extensive criminal record including kidnapping, extortion, and attempted murder by laval.
The cost of sending an employee to Hawaii to engage in such a specific activity is ridiculously wasteful.
The Misfits are also at risk of criminal prosecution due to their many attempts on the lives of Jem and the Holograms.
This is a unique attempt at vehicular homicide and cost the organization thousands of dollars in lost equipment.
Fraud
The most glaring problem was having your hired arsonist work the box office.
After an intensive investigation of Misfits Records involvement in the "World Hunger Shindig" in Houston, Texas. With the popularity of events such as Live Aid, this was an excellent way of boosting the public profile. However, I am deeply disturbed to discover that this was an attempt to embezzle funds to enrich the Misfits Record coffers.
Not only is this highly illegal, the fact that you were taking funds donated for famine relief would be so damaging to the organization that it would not recover. The fact that you had to resort to this sort of fraud is only reflective of how dire the financial situation is within the company. This is not surprising due to the number of civil cases ongoing in the courts.
Civil Litigation
Due to the highly destructive activities of the Misfits and other record company employees, it should come as no surprise that Misfits Records has a number of pending court dates that could be disastrous to the organization.
Misfits Records v. Starlight Home
Do I need to stress that burning down orphanages is not a good idea?
The earliest pending civil case was filed by Starlight Home a charitable organization owned by Starlight Records. The charity provided a group home for orphaned girls. It was a highly regarded in the community for providing a home for underprivileged children. It was burned down during a break and enter by Misfits Records employee Alphonse "Zipper" Zipperman. As I understand, he broke into the property in order to frighten Jem and the Holograms to the point where they would be unable to perform in an upcoming Battle of the Bands.
This case will require some tricky maneuvering to preventing the company from being liable for damages. Examining the police reports, we have determined that the fire was an accidental consequence of Mr. Zipperman being caught in the act. At the time in question, Starlight Home was in a state of disrepair and had no electricity at the time of the fire. For some reason, a member of the Holograms was using a gas lantern as a source of light.
I believe that we could use this case to our advantage, playing on the fact that Starlight Home was not properly maintained prior to the fire. If we can convince the judge that the fire was caused by faulty wiring or the improper storage of combustible materials, we may be able to avoid having to pay damages.
Misfits Records v. Countess Danielle Du Voisin
Countess Danielle Du Voisin is suing Misfits Records because the Misfits were uninvited guests to a private party aboard the Countess' yacht. According to the statement of claim, they are seeking damages for the destruction of property, and emotional distress. Among the damages cited the plaintiff is seeking $50,000 in food waste, $60,000 dollars in damaged property, $80,000 in dry cleaning fees as a result of a pie fight, $4000 for a hearing aid for a waiter who had his walkman turned up full blast causing permanent hearing damage.
On top of this, the United States Coast Guard is still investigating the Misfit's involvement in the yacht nearly colliding with an oil tanker. The potential fines for commandeering the yacht and the near environmental disaster alone could be enormous.
Misfits v. Misfits
Then there is the high profile case by the punk rock group, the Misfits, against your clients, the Misfits. According to the suit, the punk rock group has laid claim to the name "Misfits" since their formation in 1977. So far the group has been busy with rights issues with their former lead singer, Glenn Danzig, over royalties. However, we have heard rumbling in the legal community that this dispute will be settled out of court so all parties can focus on their legal case against Misfits Records.
This could be catastrophic to the organization, as it could result in the punk rock group claiming back royalties for the use of their name, as well as control over the corporation.
Suggested Actions
In a word, sell, sell, sell!
At this point, things are grim, but not impossible to fix. Upon review, I have noted that Misfits Records is seeking to sign the German rock band known as the Stingers. This potential deal could be the very salvation the company needs to survive all the financial turmoil. It is recommended that you sell half of the company to the Stingers, wind up the organization and start a new one under the Stinger banner. This will allow you to open up operations in Germany, where the rights to the name Misfits is not protected by United States trademark laws.
In Summation
We strongly recommend that once the Stingers/Misfit Records deal is complete you have the Misfits move to Germany. In the event that they are found guilty of any of the crimes, the band committed in the United States. While there has been an extradition treaty between the US and Germany, such a process is lengthy. We're hoping we can rely on a Roman Polanski type situation that can prolong any extradition proceedings. As for the remaining civil litigation, take the money earned from the sale of shares and settle out of court. Under no circumstances should you try to keep any of the money for yourself and disappear.
This concludes our audit of Misfits Records. We trust you will find the advice provided herein will help make your organization more successful and prosperous in the future.
Yours Truly,
Hershem Rothman, CEO, CCA, Rothman and Associates
PS: We have had some issues with payment for services rendered. It seems there were some misunderstandings. Your assistants have incorrectly assumed that we would accept a live performance by the Misfits at my nieces 7th birthday. The resulting performance resulted in serious structural damage to the historic Rothman estate, surrounding properties, and the maiming of three party clowns. The total damages are estimated at $250,000 and will be added to your current bill. - H.R.