Preface
Welcome to the first edition of Lost in Transmission where I take a look back at classic episodes of the original Transformers cartoon produced from 1984-1987. Unlike most retrospectives, I'm going to skip the whole episode guide thing. You can find those all over the internet. You want trivia or a synopsis, go look it up on a Wiki. This series is going to look at the uncomfortable questions that come up when you start looking through the lens of a critical-thinking adult. Also, there will be many dick and fart jokes.
In a Nutshell
This is the three-part pilot that started the original Transformers television series. It introduced us to the world of the Autobots and the Decepticons and their centuries-old civil war. You know the dance moves to this one: Warring robots that turn into vehicles, crash land on Earth, continue fighting. The bad guys are trying to rape the planet of its natural resources while the good guys try to stop them. It's a quick set up of all the toys in the 1984 toyline and sets the stage for seasons to comes.
As iconic as these three episodes are, there is a lot of things that don't really add up when you look at them.
Is The Cybertron Energy Crisis a Hoax?
Cybertron is what you would call a "fixer upper"
The whole focus of the show is how planet Cybertron is running low on energy and if something isn't done quickly, everything on the planet will shut down. Okay, that is a straight-forward problem. However, for highly advanced robotic life forms that are technological marvels, why is their only solution to fly into space to look for energy somewhere else? Couldn't they develop renewable energy resources? It's not like they hadn't exploited the wind and solar energy in later episodes; why not develop those technologies on Cybertron?
They have mastered interstellar travel, yet they cannot build a renewable energy source? That's like having commercial farm equipment but using it to drive to the grocery store to buy produce.
Also, how bad could the energy crisis on Cybertron be when the planet is still up and running 4 million years after the Autobots and Decepticons crash land on Earth? Either, there wasn't really a problem to begin with, or they found a solution to the problem, thereby making their mission a complete waste of time.
Maybe the real reason why the mission for energy started is that maybe the other Transformers just couldn't stand Optimus Prime and his crew. Look at the Autobots that Prime brings along: Huffer, Gears, Ratchet, and Ironhide, for starters. They're the crankiest, most negative Transformers of the bunch. Always complaining about how things won't work. Then you have showoffs like Bluestreak, Sideswipe, Sunstreaker, and Cliffjumper, who don't listen to orders and like to take on more than they can handle. Then there's Bumblebee and Prowl, two robots who have their olfactory sensors so far up Prime's fuel port.
You notice how Megatron has a contact back home, but the Autobots don't have anyone to report back to? I think there's a reason for that.
What's the Deal With Sparkplug?
"Me and the boy come from a long line of high school drop outs."
One of the first things the Autobots do upon waking up on Earth is save the lives of Sparkplug and his son Spike, two humans who worked on an oil rig destroyed by the Decepticons. Since they were the only two workers who got face time with Optimus Prime, they managed to convince him to let them tag along on their adventures by pointing out that they know more about Earth than the Autobots do. While that is certainly a good qualifier, I don't think two blue collar workers are going to be the best options for alien robots from outer space to look to for assistance.
Honestly, what do we really know about Sparkplug and his son before this moment? Dick all. In fact, they never really go into their backgrounds. Who is Spike's mother? What happened to her? Nobody really talks about it, which is pretty troubling. Also, how old is Spike? Is he a teenager? A young adult? Why isn't he in school? Then there's the educational background of these two humans. If they share a GED between the two of them I'd be very surprised.
Also, how do the Transformers even know that these two are the right humans to select as their ambassadors to Earth? For all we know, Sparkplug could be a Neo-Nazi who convinces the Autobots to commit acts of genocide on their behalf.
The only thing that we learn about Sparkplug's past is the fact that he worked in the ruby crystal mines of Burma. For those of you who are not up to snuff on your geography, Burma is now known as Myanmar. Anyone who knows anything about Myanmar can tell you that the place is a human rights nightmare and an utter shithole. It's a country rife with child soldiers, human trafficking, slave labor, genocide... You know, all the fun things you find in the most ungodly corners of the world. It's been that way since 1962.
So the idea that Sparkplug used to work those mines -- a fact that he proudly tells the Autobots on a mission -- is shady A.F. He used to work the ruby crystal mines? What was his job? Whipping the child laborers into shape? For someone who seems well-adjusted in the face of sentient space robots, this suggest that he either witnessed or participated in some horrific shit.
The Autobots Aren't Rocket Scientists (Literally)
For a group that calls themselves "robots in disguise" they're not very good at this.
In the final part of this trilogy, the Decepticons attempt to steal rocket fuel so they can fly their newly-built ship back to Cybertron. However, the Autobots try and trick the bad guys into attacking a holographic version of the rocket base, thanks to the talents of the Autobot known as Hound.
This is an interesting move, in that Hound is capable of generating a fully 3-D hologram of a massive military base. One minor problem with the situation: He doesn't create hologram staff. It's not like this was impossible, as Hound previously showed the ability to create holograms of human beings.
Instead, in a show of tactical brilliance, Prime has his Autobots put on lab coats and pretend to be facility workers. The only ones who were surprised that Megatron saw through this ploy were the Autobots. It's easy to understand how they were losing their war back home on Cybertron.
Will They or Won't They?
I spent a lot of this retrospective shitting on the Autobots, which is fair because they are the worst. However, the Decepticons aren't exactly immune to criticism here. Can we talk for a hot minute about the obvious -- uh, sexual? -- tension going on between Megatron and Starscream?
What is really disturbing here is how dysfunctional their relationship is and how common abuse is. What's worse is that the other Decepticons just sit back and let it happen. I get that they are bad guys and all, but really? Really?
Although I suppose I'd be afraid of a guy who not only turns into a fucking gun and also rapes entire planets. I'd be reluctant to speak up when he starts slapping around his uh... "second-in-command" (which I think is Cybertronian for "spouse")
However, this is the sort of thing you should expect when you create a race of gendered, sentient robots that have moods and feelings, yet not give them anyway to reproduce.
The Autobots Failed their Mission
"Dear diary, I finally found a means of getting away from my father's suffocating influence. More later...."
Lastly, I want to point out what a monumental cock-up the Autobot's mission turned out to be. After totally botching their mission to find new sources of energy, the whole "save the Earth from the Decepticons and return home" totally fell through. Obviously, the Decepticons survived their spaceship crash, to terrorize the Earth anew. Which is the worst part of it, the Autobots are incredibly bad at their jobs.
Later, they convince the governments of the world to help rebuild their ship so they can return to Cybertron. They even promise to take Spike back with them. However, this never comes to pass. They never talk about it again, but the Autobots couldn't repair their ship. Really? The Decepticons were able to build a brand new ship out of steel and electrical towers, and you guys can't even fix your ship?
Let's face it: Optimus Prime and his team are the worst robots ever.
Next Time on Lost in Transmission....
In our next edition, we'll talk about bridges to space, why anti-matter can't fit into cubes, as well as tips and tricks on how you can use an Amiga 500 and a modem to hack into your favorite Transformer! Also, we'll play a fun game of "Hide the Cosmotron".