TROUBLE CITY

Summer Is out of Control and Needs to Be Stopped

Articles, Fake LifeAndrew HawkinsComment

Summertime has been issued a court order to cease and desist. The Human League Against Extreme Duress recently filed charges against the season, and as of right now litigation has begun. Certain representatives tasked to speak on behalf of Summer have refused to respond to all requests for commentary. This is likely because of the fact Summer is a piece of shit.

No one is really a fan of Summer. This time of the year is a goddamned nightmare that drives people to commit absurd acts of madness and stupidity. When was the last time you saw an adult eat a hotdog in the Wintertime? Never. Temperatures up and above 90 degrees Fahrenheit boil the brain and kill the senses. That’s why people are fine with sunburns. It’s because they’re braindead.

Summer also affects every aspect of commerce in every sector. In recent years we have seen the movie trend of “Summer Blockbusters” fold in on itself in like the empty skin of a molted cockroach. Numbers point to a wave of former theatergoers doing better things with their time than going and seeing films with no creativity or artistic merit. Even the indie flicks are failing to pull in people who can barely make it to the cinema without setting off a bottle rocket or high-fiving a volleyballer.

Its getting hotter by the minute out here.

Its getting hotter by the minute out here.

What needs to happen is simple; somebody needs to take out Summer for good. I’m not saying that we have to form a gang of hooligans and hunt Summertime down like the fiend it is, I just think we deserve an end to this mania. Writers can’t write, artists can’t paint, thinkers can’t think and everyone else is just turning to mush inside of their overheated skin sacks. I even saw a banjo player spontaneously combust the other day when the temp hit 150. When will it end!

I’m tired of seeing man driven underground like Morlocks just because it’s hot out. We are living out a vicious cycle of heating the earth with the same technology that keeps us cool in our homes. The Box Office has become a sad cubicle with crap on the desk. Let’s stop Summer any way we can and pray that some filmmaker creates another Jaws so we can take a dip, stay cool and get eaten by sharks.