Hollywood Says Birthday Movies No Longer Marketable

Articles, Fake LifeAndrew HawkinsComment

Nobody in Tinseltown cares about Birthday movies anymore. Films like Happy Birthday, Baby and Look Out, Here Comes a Birthday are no longer being made for today’s audiences. The swift decline in this genre’s popularity may be due to the advent of home video streaming, but some industry insiders seem to think differently.

Jeb Hockleston of Shaz Pictures recently spoke with us regarding this shift in the holiday spectrum. “Whaddya mean I’m being interviewed? Get the fuck out of my kitchen!” Our time investigating Mr. Hockleston’s property for signs of why this trend is declining ended with our team getting arrested, but all was not for naught.

Birthday movies like the above Bloody Birthday have a devout cult following, but hardly any of these kinds of films are getting made anymore. I remember growing up over the years and watching a movie each time I cut into a celebratory cake with a huge smile on my face. It was glorious times, even when my parents were divorcing. That’s love.

People only celebrate Birthday’s once a year unless they’re cheating. The rule of thumb is you can only watch a Birthday themed film on the day you were born, or you go to jail. Nobody wants to get cuffed while opening presents, thus the decline in theater attendance throughout the year. VOD might be a solution, just don’t get caught.

Happy Birthday to Tom Cruise and Nick Nunziata, you’re both the best.