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New She-Ra Teased: Internet Man-Child Tantrum Ensues.

ArticlesNick PeronComment
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Yesterday, Dreamworks released the teaser trailer for the upcoming She-Ra and the Princesses of Power series that will be released on Netflix. Responses were something you’ve come to expect out of the internet. You know: The intended target audience having intellectual discourse and tentative praise for the series. Just kidding. It’s fucking garbage people (read: white men who grew up in the 80s) complaining about it.

After the mountains of reboots that have been coming hard and fast since the late 90s, you’d think this collection of internet troglodytes would figure out that these new iterations are not entirely for them. These reboots get made because (A) The movie and television industry finds it cheaper to re-adapt pre-existing works because they’ve been out of new ideas since 1996 and (B) They’ve squeezed every penny out of you, now they’re banking on your sense of nostalgia being a genetic trait that is passed down to your children, because they’re the now cash cow. Let’s get serious here, gentle reader. Look at your life: Are you childless? Do you spend most of your time in a dank basement? Do people find you repellent? Is the only reason you’re staying at home is because your parents can’t just toss out family, no matter how useless you actually are? If your answers to any of these “yes” (and you can lie to me, but you can’t lie to yourself), then congratulations, you are not the intended target for the new She-Ra cartoon.

What a surprise that they started making this show they had no intention of targeting loud mouthed cock suckers like you. You probably have bigger problems to tackle right now than getting upset about a cartoon you can choose not to watch (Like 95% of everything else on Netflix). You know, important things, like making the most minimal effort to be a mildly likeable person in real life. Getting upset about this is like trying to apply to INCEL and getting a rejection letter. That’s how idiotic you sound making a huge deal about this. Here's some choice picks of asinine comments I’ve read about this show:

Argument One: It Doesn’t Look Like How I Remember It.

 Oh we’ll be getting into those “gender issues” you’re talking about.

Oh we’ll be getting into those “gender issues” you’re talking about.

 Here’s a rarity: A complaint coming from a woman. Drink it in because you won’t see anymore of these in this article.

Here’s a rarity: A complaint coming from a woman. Drink it in because you won’t see anymore of these in this article.

The first, and most obvious, complaint to come along are the older fans who are saying the original She-Ra was better than this series based on a few short clips they’ve seen on the internet. I grew up watching this stuff too, and let me tell you, if you revisit the original cartoons from the 80s, you’ll notice that they aren’t that great. In fact, the original He-Man and the Masters of the Universe and She-Ra: Princess of Power are available on Netflix. I dare you to sit down and try to watch a few hours of that and not become incredibly bored. Those original shows were fucking boring. If you’re remembering it as anything but, then you’re either remembering wrong, or you have never seen the show and have no fucking clue what you’re talking about.

The original shows were made by Filmmation in the 1980s. They made some of the cheapest Saturday morning cartoons of the decade. All their action sequences were rotoscoped, they reused footage constantly, and the stories were repetitive. An episode started with the bad guy stealing some magical object, then the titular hero breaking that object, thus restoring the status quo. Then there was the monotonous music that would get stuck in your head for hours on end. If you’ve started humming the “Eternia” theme just by me mentioning it here, contraindications, you’ve demonstrated my point exactly.

 “The original cartoon looked way better” - Internet user who has an untreated condition on the spectrum.

“The original cartoon looked way better” - Internet user who has an untreated condition on the spectrum.

As for She-Ra kicking ass? She never kicked ass. In fact, neither did He-Man in those days. Filmmation was about making wholesome entertainment (more on that later) and so there was hardly any violence in either show. You never see them hitting people, they never use their weapons on anything except inanimate objects, and they spent a hell of a lot of screen time talking about their feelings.

Here’s the thing: Your childhood cartoons are not as great as you remember them. They were actually quite shitty. I’ve written extensively on how the original Transformers cartoon objectively sucks. He-Man and She-Ra also objectively suck. Even worse than Transformers. However, because it is shit we enjoyed as children, we give them passes on their obvious blemishes. I’ll give you an example: Kids liked Transformers, but hated Challenge of the Go-Bots. If you still hate the Go-Bots, ask yourself why? Oh right, shitty animation, pointless stories, annoying characters… Kind of like the Transformers. It’s like comparing apples to oranges. If you hate apples and like oranges, it’s because of the taste. You can’t argue against taste. You either like it or you hate it.

I’m also going to get the broken record started here: It doesn’t matter how this show will stack up to the original show. You know why? It’s going to be a vehicle to sell toys (like the original cartoon), and those toys are targeted at young girls between the ages of 6 and 10. Check your birth certificate, that is certainly not you. If it is you, stop reading this article and go ask your parents about their stance on abortion. Let me know how that discussion goes in the comments section.

The rest of you, let’s soldier on to our next subject:

Argument Two: It’s Those Damn SJWs Again!

 Subtext: A.Nonymous has never left his house or physically spoken to a human being since 1993.

Subtext: A.Nonymous has never left his house or physically spoken to a human being since 1993.

I’m only putting one example of the “anti-SJW” post, because if you’re read one, you’ve read them all, and let’s face it they are all TL;DR. You can drink an entire bottle of vodka, nod off, and slur the most horrible things you can think of, and you’ll basically get something slightly more coherent than these fucking morons. They’ll write a wall of text blaming everything that thinks differently than they do as the reason why something is not exactly how they want it. (The irony that may articles are long aren’t lost on me, but keep in mind I write for an actual website and not in the comments section because my writing has something called substance. Look it up.) It kind of makes me wish they found a way to monetise keystrokes so these purveyors of comment section diarrehea type themselves into debt so bad they can’t afford the internet anymore. Their argument is that old is better because something new = “politically correct” and is therefore wrong.

It’s a strawman argument, especially with this subject matter. Hankering back to the whole target audience thing I was talking about above. Allow me to phrase is a different way for you numbskulls: If you think the original She-Ra was intended for you, and you’re not a little girl who time travelled here from 1985, you are fucking high, and not the fun kind of high. I’m talking the done too much coke, can’t stop shitting water, kind of high that gets you kicked out of parties and your night ends with the cops arresting you for having a meltdown in a Subway parking lot. Since you’ve probably never been invited to a party, dear contrarian reader, then trust me when I say that this is not a good thing.

The second thing, this whole “SJW” argument is a hilariously bad one to make. Especially since the shithead who wrote the comment above makes a point to also compare this to the original show. Clearly, this piece of shit mouth breather has watched the original He-Man and She-Ra with the mute button on. If you had half a brain-cell, you’d know that He-Man and She-Ra were the grandparents of these “SJWs” that you are so afraid of.

When Filmmation first started working on the show they wanted to make it as wholesome and non-violent as possible. They also wanted to fill the show with morals and educational information for children. They even hired Donald Roberts, a children’s psychologist who is best known for harshing our buzz when it comes to entertainment. If there was something negative to be said about television, video games, and music, Donald Fucking Roberts was part of the group looking out for the “welfare of children”

 Pictured: The original show being “BAD ASS”

Pictured: The original show being “BAD ASS”

As I mentioned above, He-Man and She-Ra were not very violent cartoons despite the sword-and-sorcery theme. They were also chalked full of mortals.

Most of you will probably remember the “In today’s episode” public service announcements at the end of every show. You’re probably going down to the comments section to tell me that it was only at the end of the show. Well, I’m going to have to stop you there. There must be a huge disconnect between your ears and your brain. The moral of each episode was so heavy handed that the PSA’s at the end of an episode were flogging a dead horse unless you’re someone has has a problem keeping fecal matter out of your mouth. Please stop jumping to conclusions reader, because I’m running out of creative ways of insulting your intelligence.

Argument Three: Body Shaming a Cartoon Character

She-Ra Netflix Reboot_ Trailer and Release Date _ Den of Geek - Google Chrome 2018-09-11 16.52.22.png
SHE-RA AND THE PRINCESSES OF POWER Teaser Trailer - Google Chrome 2018-09-11 16.32.52.png
DreamWorks Animation's She-Ra and the Princesses of Power Teaser Trailer Revealed - IGN - Google Chrome 2018-09-11 16.27.30.png

If you’ve got nothing better to do with your time than to nit pick the appearance of a fictional character, then this is one of those times where suicide is the right choice.

These people fall into two categories, people who are upset that She-Ra looks like a pre-pubescent girl, or think the is trans (bonus points if they use an anachronistic term like “crossdresser”)

I’ll spare you the more inappropriate posts, but basically it’s men (obviously) complaining about what She-Ra looks like. The gist of them are complaints about the character’s age, or she (if you squint enough) looks rather androgynous. If seeing She-Ra as a pre-teen upsets you or makes you feel uncomfortable then you’ve spent a chunk of your life sexualizing the character. You should feel uncomfortable, you sick fuck. Why does She-Ra’s age, physical development, or appearance matter to any of you? She’s a fucking cartoon character (I can’t believe I have to keep on saying this) And again, she is not being marketed toward you (#brokenrecord) The fact that you have a problem with any of this says less about the cartoon and more about how much of a fucking gross dumpster fire you are.

Argument Four: Why Not He-Man?

This is another common complaint, most people are wondering why they aren’t rebooting He-Man, like there is apparently a He-Man shaped void in their lives. In which case, I have to point out that She-Ra only had her Television show in 1985-1986. Other than a few action figures and a comic book, she hasn’t really been in anything else since then.

Meanwhile, He-Man has had two reboots in 1990 and 2002, both of which were cancelled. He-Man also had a feature film, which was a box-office flop. Despite these commercial failures, there is still a steady stream of He-Man toys that have been coming out since 2008, a comic book series that has been on-going since 2012, and yet another feature film coming out in 2019 if it can get it’s ass out of development hell. There has been no shortage of He-Man shit for you to consume.

The fact that they’re going with a She-Ra cartoon instead of He-Man is not a new thing. If you’re as big of a He-Man fan as you claim to be, I shouldn’t have to tell you that Filmmation cancelled He-Man in order to produce the original She-Ra cartoon. What, did you think both shows ran in tandem or something?

Also, why not She-Ra? The lack of He-Man doesn’t negate the possibility of it being successful or a flop. Look at the Supergirl TV show. Going strong, and Superman is hardly even in it.

Also, so what if this iteration of She-Ra completely flops. What does that prove exactly? He-Man hasn’t exactly been very successful in the cartoon market either (see above, retard).

In Today’s Episode We Learned….

If you’re writing an angry rant about a cartoon on the internet, it is not an indictment of the cartoon, but of the monumental character flaws you have. If you’re wondering why everything looks like garbage to you: Look in the mirror. It’s not us, it’s you. The world doesn’t suck, you’re an awful person and I’m surprised there are any human beings out there that can actually interact with you without wanting to strangle you to death. Let me give you some sage advice, from one 30-something white male to another: Nobody is forcing you to watch this show. If you’re looking at it and saying, “well it’s not for me”, then just move along. You dropping your two cents on the subject prove that you are an uninteresting person since this is the exact same shit you’ve said about nearly everything else that has come out since you have been shooting crusty loads into your bed sheets at night.. We get it, you’re upset that they don’t make them entirely exclusive to you and that makes you mad, you poor poor little snowflake. Life must be hard when even the cartoons give you a hard time.