TROUBLE CITY

The End Is (Bill) Nye

Articles, Real Life, Fake LifeBrandon MarcusComment

Like many of you, I grew up watching Bill Nye. In fact, Bill Nye the Science Guy was mandatory viewing in junior high school for two reasons: the first was that it was actually engaging, entertaining and educational and the second was that I had a bunch of lazy teachers who made us watch TV a lot because they probably all had massive hangovers. 

The point is many people in my generation hold Nye in high regard. When he talks, we listen. And so I think a lot of people will truly pay attention when he says “the planet’s on fucking fire.” Yes, it was for a comedy show but the fact remains that Nye knows his stuff. He really is a scientist after all. In fact, I’d love to have Nye on my side when this beautiful planet of ours finally falls apart beyond repair. And he’s not the only celebrity who I’d love to be on my team when the apocalypse rolls around. Here are a few other famous people I’d band together with in the end times.

And, no, I can’t just say Godzilla is a celebrity so he can help me survive. Let’s be reasonable here, folks.


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Bill Nye

I’m not just including Bill Nye because this entire list was inspired by him. I’m putting him here because I honestly, truly believe he would be super helpful when the world ends. The man is a genius and a master at many fields. Not only is he knowledgeable in all things chemistry, biology and natural science, he is also charismatic and funny and humane. He’s not as socially awkward as some brilliant minds and he isn’t as creepy as others (looking at you, Neil Degrasse Tyson). Plus Bill would be able to “science the shit” out of things, like Matt Damon said in The Martian, while explaining to me what he’s doing in the simplest terms possible. And when I say simple I mean simple with a capital S. Bill Nye has educated millions of people for decades but teaching me — a man who hates camping and would likely cut his finger off trying to pry open canned food — how to survive in the wastelands would be his most impressive achievement yet.

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Christian Bale

I’d like for Christian Bale to accompany me during the apocalypse not just because he seems like a smart, tough dude. I’m thinking of the Shaun of the Dead scene where Shaun and his friends all hobble down the street pretending to be zombies. And guess what? It tricks the undead and they don’t attempt to eat our heroes. I feel like Bale would come in handy if the world happens to come crashing to an end and is filled with the walking dead. Why? Because he’s one of the only people who would do the proper work to convincingly pretend to be a zombie. I can see him practicing and practicing, studying the ghouls roaming the earth. Then when the time comes, he can teach me how to effectively impersonate a zombie. I think this could save our butts multiple times over, especially as more and more people become infected and it’s harder to avoid them. Bale would come through in the clutch and pass down some his acting knowledge, therefore saving me. It just makes the most sense. Plus you know he’d be able to defeat dragons if they popped up for some reason.

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Sandra Bullock

Sandra Bullock has long been known as America’s sweetheart and I think that having her part of my merry band of post-apocalyptic survivors would greatly benefit me when the ice caps melt and the world goes to shit. Her winning personality would keep morale up but everyone’s admiration and love for her would help when it comes to bartering and scavenging. Picture this: a stranger breaks into your supply of canned food in the middle of the night. You throw on your task mask and grab your rusty shotgun only to discover that it’s the star of While You Were Sleeping ripping you off. Well, hell, you can’t shoot her! That’s like shooting the girl next door. Ok Sandra Bullock, you say. You just take as much of my supplies as you need! It’s just impossible to say no to someone so likable. You’d probably even offer her a place to stay or a slab of the fresh human you just cooked! Lest we forget she survived Bird Box with a damn bandana over her eyes. She’s tough.

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Dave Bautista

I’ve really come around on Dave Bautista. When he was first cast in Guardians of the Galaxy I pretty much wrote him off as another wrestler attempting to become an actor and I wasn’t so hopeful. But he killed it in Guardians and his acting resume has only gotten better and better as time has gone on. He’s worked with some of the best directors alive and has shown surprising range and great foresight in picking roles. The man deserves his success and has worked his ass off to get it! So I’d just like to hang with him and talk about filming Blade Runner 2049. But, let’s be honest: Dave could totally kick some ass too. I’m not going to like, I probably wouldn’t be the strongest and most able-bodied survivor at the end of the world so I’d need all the help I could get. With Bautista, it’s like you get three strong men in one. He could outrace marauders, hunt for food, break the necks of zombies and tell me Guardians of the Galaxy 3 spoilers as we sit around a dying campfire.

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Ryan Reynolds

Sure, Ryan Reynolds may be both Deadpool and Pikachu now. Sure, his career may be reaching new heights. Sure, people seem to love the man. But there was a time not too long ago when Ryan Reynolds was in some big turkeys. Let’s list a few Ryan Reynolds failures, shall we? There was R.I.P.D., X-Men Origins: Wolverine, Green Lantern and Criminal, just to name a few.

Simply put, i want Ryan Reynolds to be my buddy in the apocalypse because he knows how to survive a bomb. Something about the man is resilient, able to overcome even the biggest disasters. That would really come in handy in the case of a real bomb. I think anyone would have confidence in surviving when they’re side-by-side with the man who lived through Blade: Trinity