Happy Labor Day, America! Today is the time to celebrate those among us who work the hardest, those who bust their backs daily to keep our economy and society moving. And God bless them for doing it because not every job is fun and easy. We can’t all be toy testers like Josh in Big. No, some people have the really crappy jobs that leave you exhausted, sore and miserable when the day ends.
To celebrate Labor Day, we are going to look at the crappiest jobs in movie history. We are going to examine the professions that are thankless, painful and probably under-paying. The positions that have a high turnover due to unsavory work conditions or, more likely, constant death. Hats off to the employees below. They sure as hell don’t have it easy. Take the day off, folks. You’ve earned it.
Veterinarian/Animal Tester (28 Days Later)
I’m not sure what to label this job to be honest. On one hand, he works with animals which makes me assume he’s a veterinarian. On the other hand, he tests communicable and fatal viruses on these animals which makes me assume he’s an asshole.
Still, you can’t help but feel sorry for this chump. He’s working the night-shift, minding his own business and likely doing mindless paperwork or flipping through his phone when — boom! — a group of animal rights activists storm the place and muck up his work station. Not only that, they all become infected with the Rage virus, bring about a zombie outbreak AND vomit blood all over him. Did they have thought of his dry cleaning bill?
This guy just comes across as a dime-a-dozen employee who happened to be at the wrong place at the wrong time. He certainly got more than he bargained for when he clocked in for that shift. Then again, he shouldn’t have been monkeying around with that virus and he definitely shouldn’t have been testing on animals. Did he deserve to be brutally slaughtered by a group of blood-thirsty infected? Probably not but it’s hard to feel TOO sorry for him.
“Hope you’re getting hazard pay, man.”
Oompa Loompas (Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory)
It’s been mentioned many times before that Willy Wonka is kind of a slave master. His heart might be in the right place (he saves the Oompa Loompas from their dangerous homeland) but does he have to force them to work in his bizarre, child-eating candy factory? Sure, there are worse jobs than confectioner but Wonka seems to work these guys hard.
Willy Wonka also requires all Oompa Loompas to sing and dance. I don’t know about you but that sounds like something a proper union boss wouldn’t allow. The Oompas are already working hard enough making the damn chocolates and now Wonka is forcing them to spend their off-hours choreographing a dance? Then there is the added insult to injury of having no one to perform the songs for. The children and families who explore the chocolate factory are the first people there in decades. So does that mean the Oompa Loompas have been practicing their little routines for years, waiting for the day when, God forbid, Willy Wonka allows a single outside soul in? All the work, all those rehearsals, all for such little pay-off.
And don’t even get me started on the costumes.
Anything Gary Sinise Does (Various)
Gary Sinise is a very American everyman. Something about his voice, his demeanor, his look — he just feels like a rugged, hard-working good-ol-boy. But, man, he gets a lot of shitty jobs.
Apollo 13. Forrest Gump. Of Mice and Men. Mission to Mars. All of these movies contain Sinise doing hard, hard work and being shat on by the world around him. Whether it be a denial into space just weeks before launch, the loss of his legs, the loss of his best friend or an adventure in space gone horribly wrong, it seems that something bad is always happening to Gary Sinise. Now, sometimes Gary is a rat bastard (Ransom, Snake Eyes) but more times than not, he’s just a quiet, honest fella trying to do a decent job.
The world needs more employees like Gary Sinise. He doesn’t run his mouth too much, he strives to achieve greatness and he doesn’t complain when he gets abandoned on the red planet. Strong work ethic on this one.
“Get your asses back home yourself, you ungrateful bastards!”
Gotham City Employees (The Dark Knight trilogy)
I don’t know why anyone would live in Gotham City and I certainly don’t know why anyone would WORK there. First of all, some lunatic dressed as a bat is running around town beating up mentally ill people. Secondly, there is a poorly-run institute for the criminally insane smack-dab in the middle of town (great city planning there!) and thirdly the town seems to be attacked on the regular. Who has to clean up all these messes? The poor public works employees who will come sweeping up the debris after Batman and the rogues gallery are done fighting.
And what do you get after your long day? More hassle. Trying to drive home? Sorry, Bane has blown up all the bridges and you STILL have to pay the toll! Taking a ferry across the river? Not today, pal, all the boats are full of people tempted to blow up one another. Maybe you just want to wander the streets with some loved ones and take in a nice night on the town. Well be careful for the exposed chemical agent that makes you terrified of literally everything and everyone!
And I bet the property taxes suck too.
Being a Gotham City resident must suck but being someone who works for the city must be way worse because not only do you live and work in the most crime-infested city in the world but you also have to handle the clean-up. Broken buildings, exploded bridges, insane citizens — a Gotham City employee has to see it all. All that for minimum wage.
The Beast’s House Staff (Beauty and the Beast)
Working for privileged rich people sucks, doesn’t it? It’s doubly bad when you are forced to work in a secluded creepy mansion and rarely get to head into town. It’s even worse when a witch curses you to be God damn dresser or shower curtain or whatever the hell these monstrosities are in Disney’s Beauty and the Beast.
First of all, let’s talk about this enchantress who curses the entire house crew to a life of being walking, talking, tortured household objects. The movie states that the woman places her curse on the Beast ten years ago and says it’ll be permanent if he doesn’t learn to love by the time the last petals falls from the rose on his 21st birthday. Do the math, he has ten years until his 21st birthday. That means this enchantress has cursed a damn 11-year-old! Now I know 11-year-old boys can be assholes but are they really worthy of being cursed? Kids can be immature, that doesn’t mean you have to transform them into wilderbeasts.
And why the hell is the staff subjected to this nonsense too? Were they also rude to the woman disguised as a beggar? I find that hard to believe. That little kid Chip seems like a real sweetheart, he’d never be rude. And that brings me to another point: was Chip even born ten years ago when the curse was placed? Did she curse a baby to become a tea cup? And did it hurt when his little cup rim was chipped? Is that the equiviliant of losing a toe or something?
There are so many questions about the poor staff in Beauty and the Beast but there is one thing we know for sure: it sucks to work for the damn Beast. What a monster.
