Welcome to the third edition of Lost in Transmission where we take a critical look back at the original Transformers cartoon. You can catch our last two editions here, and here. In this edition, we will be looking at the episodes Fire in the Sky, and SOS Dinobots.
Fire in the Sky
The Poop:
In this episode, the Decepticons find a crystal on the North Pole that allows them to drain the energy from the Earth's core. This threatens to plunge the Earth into another ice age. When the Autobots try to stop them, they discover that they unearthed a long lost Transformer named Skyfire.
Let's Talk About Climate Change!
The original title of this episode was going to be Challenge of the Snow-Bots until they got a cease and desist letter from Tonka.
This episode's calamity is the fact that, by stealing energy from Earth's core, the Decepticons are threatening to put a planet into a new ice age. Obviously, this should be some cause for alarm. Maybe the Autobots might not be affected by the weather, you'd think their human pals would have a few issues when it suddenly starts snowing in the desert. Nope! Spike's immediate go to during this crisis is to throw snowballs and build massive snowmen. I guess, if anything, you could say that Spike is very committed to denying climate change.
Here's the problem with this situation: During the end of the late Triassic period (about 237 million years ago), most life on the planet was wiped out. That was over the course of 30 years of steady climate change. At face value, it looks like the sudden global freeze happened almost overnight. Just how many species were wiped out during the time it took the Autobots to figure out what was going on and stopping the Decepticons at the end of the episode? Well about that...
Ice Road Truckers?
When the Autobots learn that the Decepticons are causing trouble at the North Pole, they drive the whole way. Here's the thing, it's impossible to drive to the North Pole. You can only get there by air, or by sea. But hey, let's suspend our disbelief for a moment and consider that they drove up there. Here's a map from Mount Saint Helens to Inuvik, one of the closest places to the North Pole by road.
Then it's just another 1500+ miles to the North Pole. That's about 3 days worth of driving to solve a global crisis. All because the Autobots can't fly anywhere.
Skyfire is Terrible At Everything
Unless that thing is being an easy target.
We are later introduced to Skyfire, a scientist from Cybertron who had been trapped in ice for millions of years. He was exploring the Earth when he got caught in a wind current and crashed. If there is anything that Skyfire is good at, it's crashing, getting shot, or being incredibly gullible. He is easily tricked into joining the Decepticons even though it is clear that they are creating an extinction level event on the planet. What kind of benevolent scientist can listen to a plan to drain a planet of all its heat energy and go "well that doesn't seem like it could hurt anyone" Clearly, he cares about living beings because he does save Spike and Sparkplug from an ice flow. So how can he be so naive, especially since he is supposed to be a scientist.
Then at the end of the episode, he gets himself buried under ice again. The Autobots figure he's dead and call it a day. They don't even bother checking which is kind of horrible when you consider what happens next.
SOS Dinobots
The Poop
After discovering dinosaur bones in their base, the Autobots decide to add extra firepower to their team by building robot dinosaurs. Due to a really asinine design flaw, the three new Dinobots trash their base and have to be shut down. Optimus Prime later eats some humble pie about how useful the Dinobots are when they are later used to rescue his ass after he and the rest of the Autobots get captured.
Dino Dumb-Dumbs
So the Autobots decide to build robots that are based on dinosaurs, Optimus Prime gives the job to Wheeljack and Ratchet, two of the smartest Autobots. Well, they're smart enough to invent things and fix their comrades. So you'd figure that when they are creating weaponized dinosaurs you'd make sure that they would be programmed with enough smarts to not start blowing up your base, right?
Ratchet wasn't looking so smug about 30 seconds later.
“Of course, the Dinobots have simple brains, just like real dinosaurs, but nobody’s perfect.”
Apparently not... Here's a direct quote from the episode:
Nobody is perfect? Nobody is perfect? Are you fucking kidding me? This is one of those moments where perfection actually matters!! You just invented robotic thunder lizards that spit napalm! How was giving them simple brains such a bright idea? Also, starting the sentence with "of course", like this is what everyone was expecting. That's like going into the office on Monday morning and going "Of course, I'm black out drunk, just like real alcoholics, but nobody is perfect!" You're not going to get a sterling commendation when it comes time for the annual review. How Ratchet and Wheeljack continue to work for the Autobots after this blunder just goes to show how dire things must be.
Broken Update
At least they can recognize symboles
When the Autobots are later captured by the Decepticons, Wheeljack and Ratchet upgrade the Dinobot's brains so they aren't mindless engines of death and destruction. However, you should never perform brain surgery if you are not a brain surgeon. Needless to say, while the Dinobots are now sentient, they're developmentally delayed. Speak broken English, and refer to themselves in the third person.
Also, can we talk about how wrong this whole situation is? For all intents and purposes, the Dinobots have the intelligence of children. Within moments of being born, they are then sent out to fight in a war when they probably have little understanding of what it is they're fighting for and why.
Not only this, but Wheeljack lets them loose without much in the way of instructions. In fact, when the Dinobots finally arrive on the scene they don't know which robots are their friends and which ones were enemies. Thankfully, Sludge is at least bright enough to realize the symbols on their chest mean something. Speaking of Sludge....
The Dinobot Without a Genus
The one Dinobot must have a rough life is Sludge, who turns into a Brontosaurus. Must have been rough during the decades when the Brontosaurus was not considered a real dinosaur. To have your identity denied for year after year, trying to keep a bold face. I bet the other Dinobots were just real dicks about it behind the scenes. Walking around the closet the Autobots keep them in and pretending Sludge isn't there because he doesn't exist.
Sludge had dreams and aspirations. He was going to amount to something in this world. He was going to get out of the Dinobot closet, leave the volcano behind and be something god damn it. Except he never did. He never did. What a tragic waste. He probably didn't live to see the day in 2015 when the Brontosaurus was officially put back on the books.
Next Time on Lost in Transmission...
This one got a bit long in the tooth, so I'm cutting it here, but be here next time for more Skyfire, and more Dinobots, which means a lot of plane crashes and stupidity!