The internet gives fans an open forum to express their wants and needs from popular culture. As a dutiful internet writer, it is my job to look at upcoming entertainment and dictate my wants as though I am speaking for everyone else.
I was a huge fan of the Animal Planet series Meerekat Manor. Now, I will admit that they are not PRESENTLY remaking the series, but this is what they call an "every green article" in the biz so we can get more aggregate clicks in the future when the inevitable eventually happens. Sure, Sean Austin is busy going on fun runs and appearing at conventions right now, BUUUT there will come a time when he can't rest on the laurels of LOTR or the Goonies anymore because he outlived every other cast member. He needs a fallback, and I see a shit ton of whatever our future currency we'll be using when people are salivating for a gritty reboot of Meerkat Manor.
What Am I Talking About?
Sorry, I am getting ahead of myself, internet. I forget we live in a day and age where articles talk about things YOU DIDN'T KNOW about. Sorry. However, you should still be more ashamed than me because YOU DIDN'T KNOW about Meerkat Manor. How do you sleep at night? I hope we can come up with a non-offensive/racist/cis-gendered/white privileged/xenophobic/AMERICA FIRST way of making fun of you that my grandchildren won't disavow me for anything I am saying right now, but we aren't living in that golden age yet, but I digress.
Getting back on point: Meerkat Manor was a show that followed the lives of a family of Meerkats in the wild and framed like it was a reality show. If you watched it in North America it was narrated by 80's pop culture icon Sean Astin.
If you want to see what I am talking about, you can find most episodes on YouTube.
Now that we are all caught up, here are the things WE want to see in the reboot. Take notes Animal Planet...
More Exploration of Mozart's Time in Vietnam
Mozart is lovingly known as the Meerkat who fucked when he shouldn't have and got exiled by Flower, the patriarch of the family. However, something that fans of the show DON'T KNOW is that Mozart served in Vietnam. This was lightly hinted upon during the run of the series and it NEEDS to be explored further.
How many Viet Cong ears did he take as trophies? Did he light himself on fire out of protest? (It has been argued for a while that Mozart MIGHT be Buddhist and had access to gasoline and matches) How many Hippies did he shoot at Kent State? Do I even know anything about history?
There are so many unanswered questions.
Also, if they could frame it in a way that makes it allegorical to whatever unpopular war we're in presently, that would be great.
Flower's Early Abortion
Flower, the patriarch of the manor had a lot of litters as far as reality television Meerkats are concerned. Fans might be shocked to discover it MAY have been implied that she had an abortion before a woman's right to choose was resinded by the seventh circuit court of nature.
Super fans of the show know that Flower was highly protective of her pups but not all of them made it. We all remember when the Manor had to flee for their lives and some of the pups died because of administrative red tape. It was a sad time. Allow me to convey my sadness with an emojii :'(. Which is not entirely accurate because there is no single emojii for crying whilst peeing in someones mouth. However I think it would look a little something like this: ;'(3====D---- D:
The point I am getting at is we don't fully understand a woman who wasn't ready to raise children, had an abortion, then had kids that later died due to poor planning. We need to totally judge people like this as it is our God given right. I mean she didn't even sacrifice those babies to Baphomet! YOU ARE LIVING IN SIN, FLOWER!!!!
Mainly I want to see her walk of shame as protesters pelt her with eggs and wave horrifically graphic protest signs in her face as this will give me another opportunity to virtue signal at people while live tweeting each episode.
The Return of Shakespeare
One of the outstanding mysteries of the original series was the fate of Shakespeare. The series ended without knowing if he was dead or alive. Diehard fans know that this couldn't possibly be the end of the plucky character.
I have decided just now there has been a lot of fan speculation about the fate of Shakespeare in the hopes a number of prominent click bait sites regurgitate this as though it were fact. I have heard the legend of an ancient and secret order of meerkats know as the T'Su-Pad Ediah who secretly train chosen meerkats in the sacred art of Wre-Tah-Dahd. It has been prophesied that a single meerkat will master this craft and unite all the divided meerkat tribes. If this isn't going to be Shakespeare, then I am going to complain how they have ruined my childhood on every message board that allows you to sign up for a free account without any vetting process and then tweet death threats at the cast and crew.
Totally Change All Relationships
I just read about "Shipping" just now. So now I am an expert at it. Those who DON'T know about what that is, allow me to educate you. Fans usually HATE the relationship statuses of various characters and spend countless hours online arguing over which characters would make a better match.
Clearly, the best people to play matchmaker for characters on a TV show are the type of people most likely to die alone. I want to be a part of this exclusive group of people because I need something to fill the pit of despair my life has become.
The best part about meerkats is that they indiscriminately fuck each other. So really, the odds of my favorite characters hooking up are basically guaranteed. So this takes a lot of pressure off me to fill my obligation in telling my reading audience what THEY WANT.
However, if the Whiskers can toss some meerkat love Sean Austin's way, that would be swell. Also if someone could get today's hottest pop-star to cover Muskrat Love (changing it to Meerkat Love, natch) for those romantic moments that would be fantastic.
I guess I just want to see Sean Astin in the throws of passion with Flower in the rain. Like Mickey Rourke and Kim Basinger in 9 1/2 Weeks did, with complete ignorance of the fact they are having sex in a filthy New York alley in the pouring rain. Love is always better if you have to get a tetanus shot after.
Bring Back Flower
I know most of you MM: TOS fans have been screaming at all the Flower references without mentioning she died on the show. Don't worry, I didn't forget! We all had the mad feels when Flower was killed by a copperhead snake. Her departure from the show hit the community HARD.
Rumor has it that the producers of the reboot are going to bring back Flower... sort of... and this upsets me! Early drafts of the pilot script involve a subplot where a Flower from another dimension comes to our Earth and merges with our Flower. This Flower looks completely different, has down-syndrome, is male, and actually a skunk. The idea of something different always fills me with rage. Instead of seeking professional help, I vent my inanities on the internet. Look, people, I'm not a racist BUT Flower was traditionally a meerkat and since I can't comprehend her being anything else, then I don't think anyone else can. I am far too invested in the heteromeerkat norm that anything else doesn't compute.
Go Back To the Basics of Season One
When we watch a show, we put it in a time capsule to remind us of our wasted youth. We protect this because it was a time when we were young and vital and the cloying grasp of Uncle Steve hadn't yet taken away our innocents.
As such, a show needs to follow the formula of the original series and never deviate. Give me some new wrinkles but don't rock my boat! That's how Uncle Steve caught me off guard. Entertainment should be like watching reruns of the Simpsons. It should be familiar and comfortable and it shouldn't go through any growth or change, otherwise, it reminds me of Uncle Steve's sausage fingers.
What I am saying is that a TV show should be familiar like an old pair of slippers. Unless they are the same old slippers I wore the night Uncle Steve raped me.
Instead of accepting that change is a natural course of life, I'd rather have my entertainment continue on like a frictionless Mobius strip. I'd rather push my demands on creative people because somehow, some way, it less effort than accepting this new iteration isn't for me and just watch the original show on DVD.