TROUBLE CITY

Scientists Claim God Renounces “New Pet Sematary”

Fake LifeAndrew HawkinsComment

A recent scientific journal published some shocking and insightful news today regarding the latest Stephen King movie. Apparently, God isn’t liking the new film that much.

Factory Engine Review Daily and their subsidiaries are claiming that in a recent interview, God let them know just exactly what his thoughts were regarding Kevin Kölsch and Dennis Widmyer’s new take on the seminal horror classic. The original transcription and recordings are being coveted now by Vatican officials, but thankfully everything is already posted online for us to enjoy. Here are a couple of moments from the source we wanted to highlight.

Phil Jackman (FERD): God, thank you for sitting with us today. I see you decided to present as David Johansen circa Scrooged.

GOD: Yeah, I always liked that one.

PJ: Great! … So, have you seen the new Pet Sematary?

G: I sure as shit have. Fucking mess of a thing.

PJ: Why’s that?

G: I love the original and I love the book. It’s one of those things that I say, “If you’re gonna do something, you do it right and get done the first time. If not? Fuck it.” Buncha shit.

Cast, Kölsch and Widmyer discussing the atheism angle.

Cast, Kölsch and Widmyer discussing the atheism angle.

I told those guys that if they were gonna go through with it what they needed to do to get it right. Lithgow, Joel Edgerton, Micmacs; it was all there ready to be swept up. How was I supposed to know they were gonna make it blow ass.

PJ: I thought it was good.

G: The fuck you know!

PJ: What I mean is it was a decent movie with good effects and a fun plot. I liked it and my family liked it too. We thought everybody did great and it was a real good time.

Happy family.

Happy family.

G: It’s shit! Let me tell you what made the original so damn good. You know what did it? That fucking script. Mary Lambert made it look like a goddamn Tuesday night CBS shit stain, but goddamn if that screenplay wasn’t as tight as a first-year nun’s asshole.

PJ: If I can real quick sir, you take your name in vain?

At this point, God allegedly killed interviewer Phil Jackman with a bolt of electricity and left the scene. God’s comments regarding the new film are certainly debatable but considering his omnipresence no one is willing to speak out against him for fear of losing their next job.

Coincidentally, David Johannsen is being sought for questioning regarding the murder and use of Pinker/Jenke powers.

Fuck God, go see  Pet Sematary .

Fuck God, go see Pet Sematary.