The NBA season may be over but fans of basketball are looking ahead to the future. They’re looking to the next season, to future trades, to Space Jam 2…
We know that Space Jam 2 isn’t some fever dream you’ve had, it’s actually happening. We also know that it’ll star the biggest basketball player on earth, Mr. LeBron James. He’ll likely be co-starring with Klay Thompson, Anthony Davis, Diana Taurasi, Damian Lillard and, of course, Bugs Bunny. Sadly, the most buzzed-about player in the NBA, Kawhi Leonard, will NOT be starring. The only blockbuster he’ll be involved with is his blockbuster trade to the Clippers.
As I’ve said before, many modern children don’t know squat about Bugs Bunny or the rest of the Looney Tunes crew. Hell, they hardly knew who they were when the FIRST Space Jam came out. Nothing against these characters but they don’t exactly hold the same power they once did with audiences.
So that leads us to exactly which cartoon characters should appear in Space Jam 2. Obviously the film is limited to Warner Bros properties but let’s put on our creativity caps and imagine a world where any animated guy or gal can pop up in the film. What if Space Jam 2 had complete free reign and could get any star? And what if WB really, truly wanted to make the best team possible? This is who should be playing alongside LeBron and the Tune Squad:
Shaggy from Scooby-Doo
Every good basketball team needs a strong Center. It’s an essential part of the squad and necessary for good defense and offense. What do you need in a Center? Length, size, reach. That’s exactly what you’d get with Shaggy from Scooby-Doo. The man is tall and skinny as a bone, he would be able to block damn-near any shot. And because of his extra-curricular “activities” he’s…well, kind of slow at times. But that’s okay! A Center doesn’t need to have a lot of speed. Shaggy could open up lanes, swat down choice shots and slamma-jam some premium dunks.
Winnie the Pooh
Every team needs a captain with heart and soul to lead them. I know that LeBron should be that for the Tune Squad but what if it was a lovable, chubby little bear in a red shirt instead? Sure, he might be slow and, sure, he might get side-tracked by a jar of honey on the sidelines but you know Winnie would make every player feel valuable, capable and loved. LeBron and his players need a pep talk? Who better than Winnie? Just imagine him from the team bench, smiling and rubbing his little round tum-tum as he roots his teammates on. Not only would they perform better, they’d probably do it with tears in their eyes. The only downside to Winnie the Pooh being on a basketball team? I am pretty sure his lack of pants is against regulation.
Jane Lane from Daria
What else does a basketball team need? Ferocity and grit. you get that in spades with Jane Lane from Daria. She might not be a team player in every way, she seems to look down on many people. But she would definitely bring intensity in her game. I think she would be that quiet, scary player — much like Kawhi Leonard — who doesn’t say much but is always solid and silences critics without raising her voice. She’s also very lean, which makes me think she’d be quick. Plus I think she wears combat boots so she could probably do some damage to opposing players’ toes.
Beavis & Butt-head
A good team requires cohesion, fellowship, brotherhood. Say what you want about Beavis & Butt-head but they definitely are like brothers. Mentally disturbed, idiotic brothers but brothers nonetheless. Their connection and their bond would be showcased in slick plays and a sort of sixth sense between them. They’d know what the other was doing before it even happened. They wouldn’t need to use words or body language, they would be able to just read one another.
Imagine playing against the Tune Squad. You’re making your way to the key, looking for a player to pass to. Suddenly, from beside you, you hear Beavis with his “he he he he” followed by “Uhhhh, what’s up? Huh huh huh huh,” from Butt-head. That’s the sound of the most bizarre and effective pick and roll in history. You might think they seem harmless and dumb but the partnership of Beavis & Butt-head could throw even the most elite players off-guard.
Jake from Adventure Time
I have never seen Adventure Time but isn’t Jake a dog who can multiply his size? That seems helpful!
Every squad needs some mystery, that one player who keeps the opposing team on its toes. Let’s be honest, no one is more mysterious than Carmen Sandiego.
I can hear the announcers now:
“LeBron passes Sandiego the ball and she’s making her way down the court, setting up for a slick three-pointer. She’s pulling back, readying the shot and — wait, what the hell? Where did she go? She’s gone! Carmen Sandiego and the ball have completely disappeared. Where did she go? Wait, what? She’s in Romania now? What the hell?! Is that legal?”
See, this is the sort of trickery that would literally make her impossible to guard. A player could be be boxing her out, blocking her shots and then — boom — she’s vanished and pops up in Brazil stealing diamonds or something like that. Does it make her an incredible offensive player? It sure does. But it also makes her kind of hard to coach too. She’d be a good player but just a little unreliable.